You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
