guys are not supposed to queef...right?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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