Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
