Need sex. Gaining weight.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
