Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
