I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
