I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she told me i tasted like america
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
