five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
