I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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