it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
