I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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