The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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