I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
