It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
