I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
