seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
