the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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