I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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