dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize