Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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