How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
