Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
