Where did you get a picture of my penis
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you