HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
