I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
