Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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