I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
