i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
