Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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