I just saw a hot homeless man
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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