Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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