The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
