Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
