remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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