apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
