he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
