Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
