By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
