just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
