Where did you get a picture of my penis
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
