you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
