i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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