So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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