We're facebook friends in real life
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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