apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
