bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
