I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
