Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He did a backflip because drugs
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