Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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