I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
