I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
