i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
