My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
you never un-have a 4some
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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