either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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