my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
